Let’s cut right to the chase, here. Attending your significant other’s family functions just flat out sucks. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been dating for three months or three years, it’s always awkward and it’s never a good time. Sure, you throw on the fake smile and give a few fake laughs throughout the day; but in reality, you’re just trying to figure out an exit strategy.
Step 1. Think about this from a sports perspective. In this case, you’re on that really shitty team that has no chance of winning the game.
You’re just trying to get out of there without an injury. Since you’ve most likely met the father before your first big family function, just be his bartender. See what he’s drinking, keep bringing it to him without him asking, and by the time you’re there for two hours- he won’t even remember how much he dislikes you. That’s the easiest route to take with Dad.
Step 2. Spend as much time away from aunts and elderly women as possible.
Why? Because the only thing aunts and elderly women want to talk about is when you’re getting married. They’re going to ask you tons of ridiculous questions about what your intentions are with their niece/granddaughter/goddaughter; therefore, head for the hills after you say hello. If you find yourself in a spot where you actually need to have a conversation with someone from the female interrogation team; tell them you need to use the bathroom. It’s the only excuse that works.
Step 3. Find the people you are going to get along with, and latch onto them for a large majority of the function.
Is there a cousin or uncle who likes sports? Is there a senile old man who thinks you’re someone else? Is there a male in-law trying to stealthily sneak through the premises just like you? These are the people you need to hang out with. They will guide you throughout the day in between those spurts where your girlfriend introduces you to people you’re never going to remember. Also, avoid the cousin who openly talks about cheating on his wife. It just makes things way more awkward than they already are. And yes, guy code still applies here. You don’t tell your girl that her cousin’s husband is a cheater. If it’s not your family, it’s not your business.
Step 4. Never tell anyone what your actual job is.
Just tell them the field you work in. For example, “I’m in the entertainment business.” Then when they ask you to give them an example you simply say, “I create videos for the internet.” These people aren’t going to understand anything you tell them if you try to explain your actual job. Unless you’re teaching or making millions on Wall Street; they’re probably going to talk behind your back about how much of a loser you are, regardless. And besides, are you really going to follow up with asking them what they do? No, because you couldn’t care less.
Step 5. Finally, when you decide you’ve had enough and it’s time to say goodbye, keep it simple.
How many times have you gone to say goodbye to someone; yet ended up having the same exact conversation with that person as you did when you said hello? I’m sure you’ve done that more times than you care to admit. Therefore, keep it short, keep it simple, and get the hell out of there.
You’re never going to leave without any battle wounds from a significant other’s family function. Mainly because your girlfriend will leave you in the trenches taking grenades multiple times throughout the event. You know, those times she introduces you to someone you don’t care about; and then she leaves to go help a family member with something. Those come with the territory. Just stick to the tips that have been shared with you. Then you can go home, crack open a beer, and watch the fucking game with no pants on.
featured image via: thatawkwardmoment
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