For a lot of men, life is interpreted through the scope of sports. When you spend so much time doing anything, or following something, it’s only a matter of time before it starts to “take control.”
This is why a lot of inventors go crazy after spending too much time looking at their designs.
But we aren’t crazy, are we? Sure, when we have garbage at our desks, we feel obligated to shoot it, free-throw style, at the nearest garbage can.
And when we first got our hearts broken by a girl, we knew exactly how to survive such a tremendous letdown because we grew up a Jets fan (there were a lot more tears when Doug Brien missed two field goals against Pittsburgh in the 2005 playoffs).
Maybe while crossing the street in Manhattan, when the red hand is glaring (signaling an INOPPORTUNE time to cross), we’ll completely disregard the warning and sprint across anyway.
Only to dust ourselves off like Kenny Lofton, and chalk it up to “a great jump” afterwards. That’s normal, right?
Clearly this premise can, and does, translate to the dating world. I mean, of course, it does. If we can relate crossing streets in NYC to sports – the art of scoring with chicks shouldn’t be such a far cry from scoring in any sport.
To be blunt, I’ve had a few rendezvous where I’ve left my apartment doing the “jazz hands” celebration, like I was Diego Costa scoring a stoppage time goal in the Champions League Final.
I’ve assembled a mini-dictionary of basketball terms that we men apply to the dating world.
1. A guy’s “game” with girls.
“I’ve got a pretty efficient offense, Rachel slept over last night.”
2. Being on the prowl.
“Yeah, after that breakup, it feels good to finally be back on the offensive side of the ball once again.”
1. The act of courting a woman.
“I think I have a pretty good shot at Kelly now that she’s single.”
2 .Creepily Facebook messaging a girl you barely/don’t know.
“Yeah man, I hit her up on Facebook chat drunk last night – I’m pretty sure she flagged me. Hey, I took a shot.”
1. The act of successfully hooking up with a chick.
“Oh ya, she slept over. One point for the good guys.”
1. The act of setting up one of your homies with a girl.
“Yo, I got this girl from school who is so eligible it hurts, I totally got you on the assist.”
1. To get rejected by a female
“I just tried buying that girl a drink and got blocked super hard. I was waiting for the Mutombo finger wag.”
2. When a guy prevents one of his friends from hooking up with a female.
“I was trying to talk to that blonde over there but Tom wouldn’t stop chirping about fantasy football. He completely blocked my c*ck.”
1. The act of hooking up with a girl shortly after a breakup.
“Jess just got cheated on? Word, I’m gonna scoop her up off the rebound.”
1. To hook up with a chick one of your homies has already calleddibs on.
“Bro, you spent all night talking to her about her ex-boyfriend – I had to steal her.”
2. The act of hooking up with a taken chick.
“Damn. I feel like sh*t for that steal. She definitely has a dude; these females ain’t loyal.”
1. The dude in your group of friends (who is probably the shortest and least physically gifted) whose main purpose is setting the team up with girls.
“Kevin, you take Bikram classes, you’re obviously the point guard. You talk to more women on a daily basis than Tyra Banks does on cable television.”
1. Hooking up with a girl who’s a sure thing.
“Bruh, the entire sophomore class of our fraternity has slept with her – she’s a lay up.”
1. Hooking up with a girl who you know is probably out of your league.
“Blondie with the curves over there would be a real slam dunk.”
1.Same concept as the “assist,” but flashier, and typically resulting in a “slam dunk”.
“Yo, so I got these bad chicks coming through to the apartment tonight. Come through and I’ll freak you the alley oop.”
half court offense
1. When your game is predicated on a slowed-down tempo, typically in and out of long(ish)-term relationships.
“Yeah, it’s September, so I’m really trying to set up that half court offense until cuffing season is over.”
run and gun offense
1. When your game is predicated on a fast tempo with tons of scoring.
“Yeah, it’s June, so I’m really trying to set up that run and gun offense until cuffing season.”
3 in the key
1. The act of spending too much time pursuing one girl over the course of one night.
“Eddie literally hasn’t made a move all night, I think it’s time someone else gets a chance that’s definitely a 3-in-the-key violation.”
full court press
1. When the entire team is full-speed-ahead on bringing girls to their pre-game, or table, or apartment party.
“Tonight is becoming a sausage fest, dudes, we gotta put the full court press on for some locas.”
1. When you spot a girl at the bar you want a shot with, but understand you can’t bring the whole team with you.
“I’ve got my eyes on that one right there, clear out, clear out, iso time.”
1. Typically when three friends make strategic “assists” and provide a very efficient offense.
“Mark, Jared and I have been running the triangle offense lately, so someone is always scoring.”
playing the sideline
1. The guy who doesn’t get much attention from girls.
“Yeah, Bobby is dealing with this whole acne thing – he’s been playing the sideline recently.”
2. The guy who would rather smoke weed than pursue chicks at the club.
“Yeah, Robby is dealing with this whole weed and Netflix thing — he’s been playing the sideline recently.”
1. When someone in your crew acts haughtily at first, but ultimately ends up looking to benefit the entire team.
“At first I thought Kevin was trying to flex on us, by buying out the bar – but after all the women flocked over – he kicked it out and set me up with one of them!”
1. The buzzer is the closing time of the bar or club you’re indulging in on a given night.
“I’ve been talking to this girl all night, I really hope I can pull a number or something before the buzzer blows.”
1. A selfish friend
2. A friend who only looks to provide women for himself.
3. A friend who only looks to score.
“Yo, Brett is such a f*cking ball hog he’s always texting four to six different girls at once.”
1. When you and your boys get to a bar or club, and mingle with another group of girls.
2. When individual members of your group of friends “call dibs” on a respective member within a group of girls.
“Yo, let’s go hang out with that group of girls over there. OK, everyone match up quick.”
give and go
1. The give and go refers to a scenario in which one guy is currently hooking up with one girl – but has his eyes on a different one. So he sets up his boy with his current hookup, and focuses on scoring (with that different someone).
“Bruh, Janice is getting super ridiculous and I really want to get with Joanne. Let’s run the give and go – you’ve been dry lately.”
Jordan Game 6
1. “Jordan Game 6” refers to a state of mind every guy gets around an hour before the bar or club closes, and they sense the urgency of their own situation.
2. A time period during which a man will simply do whatever it takes to be successful with a girl.
“If I don’t make a good impression within the next 20 minutes, I’m probably never going to see this girl again. All right, f*ck it, Jordan game 6 time.”
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