12 Sex Things Men Seriously, 100% Give A Crap About

 

So I’m scrolling through my Facebook feed and come across an article called “12 Sex Things Men Really Don’t Give a Crap About” that was posted on Cosmopolitan by some dude named Frank Kobola. I looked around my shoulder to make sure nobody saw me checking out a Cosmo article and clicked to open.

First off, I’d like to say I don’t know Frank Kobola. I never read an article by the Cosmo sex editor but I figured with some of his other articles entitled “9 Misconceptions About Blowjobs” and “12 Things That Give Him a Love-Boner”, this guy must know what he’s talking about. Those articles are all bullshit and I urge you not to give them a chance to alter your point of view because you’d be wrong if you listened to a word of this crap that this guy is spewing.

“12 Sex Things Men Really Don’t Give A Crap About” is so wrong I had to speak up. They are the words of an obviously desperate man that if he had the chance, would throw his dick in a piranhas mouth ’cause “hey… it’s close enough”.

So according to him:

1. Whether or not your vagina smells like a field of fresh lilies.

Real life: If her vagina smells like a porta potty at a taco eating competition, we fucking care. Even though the will to get laid is usually strong and comes with great sacrifices… the majority of the time, I’m definitely second guessing sticking my dick in that stank-hole.


2. Whether or not you’re hairless like a sex dolphin. 

Real life: If she can make hairier armpits and rough legs work then I guess I have nothing left to say. Chances are she has a long term boyfriend that would rather get shotgun to the face than have to feel another scratchy leg brush up against his or eat out her hairy smelly vagina one more time.


3. How wet (or not wet) you are. 

Real life: Ya, just about the same way she doesn’t care how hard (or not hard) he is.


4. Any sounds your vagina may make during intercourse. 

Real life: I’m not going to sit here and tell you stories about how I know the biological reasons her pussy queefs, but I think every man knows that there’s that moment where it happens and all you’re thinking is “I hope thats not a fart.”


5. If you’re too loud or not loud enough. 

Real life: I’m starting to think Franky never got laid. Where does he even come up with this stuff. I’m not even sure if I understand his statement enough to give my explanation on it.


6. Your heaving bosom. 

Real life: Apparently it’s a new thing I’m not aware of, that men don’t care about boobs anymore. I think I need to pick up a copy of Cosmo more often to figure out what it is that I like.


7. That you have a butthole. 

Real life: If you didn’t have a butthole, I’d be a lot more concerned. This list of things men don’t care about is getting weirder and weirder.


8. Whatever weird sex face you think you’re making. 

Real life: All I want right now is for one of our followers to go home and bang some dude tonight but right when he’s going to cum, make a a weird “sex face” and see how he reacts and if he ever calls you again.


9. Whether or not your hair is up. 

Real life: Believe me buddy, the hair going up is to get it out of her face, not yours- you conceited standard less fuck.


10. How long it takes you to cum. 

Real life: I didn’t realize this was an issue until right now. Honestly, when I started writing this article, I hadn’t even made it to the end of his yet. Don’t you think the women would care more than the men if you can’t get your shit together to get her to cum?


11. Giving us pointers. 

Real life: Chances are we’re doing our best… we don’t need your incessant shrilling voice ruining our good time.


12. If you don’t always feel like giving us a blowjay. 

Real life: No. Fuck you Frank. You crossed the line and I’m tired of your shit. Is this a new thing where girls aren’t giving blowies?! I was with someone a couple of weeks ago that said she didn’t want to go down. I didn’t understand. Now I see that some fucking asshole in Cosmo magazine is telling girls that we don’t care if they do or don’t? If I don’t at least start or finish with a blow job, I might as well not have gotten laid at all and I go on my day with a hole in my heart.


If this guy keeps promoting this bullshit, the standard of women will decrease to the point that every female ’4′ thinks all she’s gotta do to get laid is to show up and male ’10′ will be rocking her world without even trying. Just because you don’t care about the hairy, stinky pussy on the buttholeless, breastless, mute nagger that won’t give you a blow job if you paid for it, doesn’t mean the rest of us will submit to those low standards. Females of the world, get your shit together; don’t skip those waxing appointments and take a pre-game shower… everyone will be happier.

 

 

 


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